Santa Wish List
Santa wasn’t good to the motorcycle industry in 2020. It was the sort of year at Harley-Davidson where every week, you’d say “what just happened?” Soft sales and even negative growth along with company shutdowns then longer term layoffs followed by strategic plan “walk-backs” and then the high profile dumping of a Tennessee motorcycle dealer over racist Black Lives Matter posts followed by an ever discriminating consumer to boot.
Speaking of feet, did you hear that having footwear industry expertise is the new turnaround skill set for executives at the motor company?
As the motor company executives sit virtually in the Zoom conference room and wonder what happened to the year, I can’t help but believe there are some major things on their Santa wish lists.
So, I’ve followed the science (parody alert!) and highlighted below what I think a few of the top executives want for Christmas:
JOCHEN ZEITZ, Chairman, President and Chief Executive Officer, Harley-Davidson: Santa, I “charged” up and shorted out ex-CEO Matt Levatich on that EV motorcycle, but I got the head honcho job with the industry’s most iconic motorcycle manufacturer. Did you know they have a cult-like following similar to my favorite thing — a Scottish Bailey guitar? And to think that I’ve never even been photographed riding a motorcycle. I can’t think of anything more to ask for. Oh wait – listen up Santa, please help that Pan American be our rock star and displace BMW R 1250 GS Adventure bike sales. Santa, I need your help to move the company from The Rewire, to The Hardwire and now with marijuana being legal in Madison, my new strategic plan will be called The Higher Wire. Santa, I’ve never been to the White House for dinner and I wrote a book about my transcendental awakening with a Benedictine monk. It’s my turn! Please let the spinner land on my name. Lastly, can you help people forget about that botched “Gone Girl” firing of Michelle Kumbier and the $660K departure gift?
JULIE ANDING, Vice President and Chief Human Resources Officer: Santa baby, it’s cold outside. It’s not a Christmas party. It’s a non-denominational Zoom holiday mixer. More inclusive. With my team of over 200 HR professionals (“I say H, and you say R”) streaming video around the world, I posted a fun memo about the decisions made at the company Zoom holiday party will have consequences that will haunt them for the rest of their professional lives. I’ve got doughnuts. I’ve got jelly and sprinkles, but not cronuts because they’re a bastard pastry.
AMY GIUFFRE, Vice President and Chief Communications Officer: Santa, please let 2021 be “If the dream is big enough, the facts don’t matter” — a.k.a. the Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf school of bubbling optimism to distract the media and bloggers with superfluous BS so they ignore our fundamental problems. As the motor company leader of the world’s foremost authority on brand marketing please let my cutting edge hoo-ha marketers develop a comm’s strategy that will last longer than Aquaman in theaters!
JON BEKEFY, General Manager Brand Marketing: What the font? Please Santa, I’m seeking stoke so, let the famously irreverent Enthusiast magazine right a wrong, while I write a song on the largest number of variable text sizes and drawing types ever used in a print magazine. We commissioned a student that designed a flyer for the H.S. prom to perform the magazine eye test. I’m a huge fan of Gliko Modern and Gliko Modern Condensed with Body copy set in Freight Text. Oooh, so many fonts and so little time. I’m rather preoccupied with condensing the regular widths of every page and reducing The Enthusiast page count to a total of three on the next spread. Is Santa seeking stoke?
BILL DAVIDSON, Vice President of the Harley-Davidson Museum: Hey Santa, I’m still working here and I bleed black and orange. Did you know I’m the son of William G. “Willie G.” Davidson? Just because the pandemic has closed the museum, I remain busy creating ways to bring light and meaningful impact to motorcycle enthusiasts. In fact, I sketched a new color book that has cryptic clues, puzzles to solve, and you can uncover a mystery through an interactive story adventure in the museum gallery. We’re doing this in collaboration with The Pabst Mansion and the Pabst Brewing Company. Pass me a cold one!
GINA GOETTER, Chief Financial Officer: Santa it’s not my fault. The prepared foods at Tyson Foods taught me a lot. Please let me milk this “new in my job” for just a while longer. What do they expect? Miracles on Juneau Avenue! Doesn’t it matter that I’ve been here less time than ZEITZ? I do have a motorcycle endorsement. And, my calculator is newer than Jonathan’s!
JAGDISH “J.A.G.” KRISHNAN, Chief Digital Officer: Santa, it’s all hands on deck. Open. Click. Buy. At Bose, I helped close 119 retail stores after digitization and all I want for Christmas is to be that invincible-gungho digital hero and repeat the success for Harley customers. I’m calling it The Wired Buyer plan. It’s no longer about taking care of every person who walks through our doors – whether that’s helping with a problem, giving expert advice, or just letting someone take a break and listen to a great rumble. We’re going all in online and will digitize the entire customer experience. Now where are those IBM server rooms on Juneau Avenue.
JONATHAN ROOT, Senior Vice President, Harley-Davidson Financial Services: Santa, I’ve been busy creating forecasting models, assessing risk in investments and ensuring all accounting activities comply with regulations, but I need a new platinum edition HP 12C calculator. The minus button on my current Texas Instruments model quit working.
PAUL J. KRAUSE, Vice President, Chief Legal Officer and Chief Compliance Officer: Santa, I’ll make this short and sweet. Please tell us who is behind that NWHOG.com blog?! We have an important legal document gift we wish to serve send over to the Northwest Harley Blog editor. By the way Santa, trespassing involves entering a chimney without consent, but by wishing for presents and sending letters we’re good to go on the legal front!
LUKE MANSFIELD, Vice President Motorcycle Management: I’m dreaming electric Santa. Think Serial Number 1! It’s a simple process that leads to a complex outcome, but I think I can optimize your gift delivery experience so you’ll be home for Christmas. Sure you have the reindeer and elf idiosyncrasies, but consumer tastes are changing fast and they want those gifts immediately after they Open. Click. Buy. Santa you need to adapt & disrupt. By the way, we’re developing a new delicious lemon flavored drink for our motorcycle enthusiasts. It’s called ‘Harley Harley‘ and will be a standalone new brand in the U.S.
BRYAN NIKETH, Senior Vice President, Product Development and Operations: Please make Indian Motorcycles go away like “Gone Girl” Michelle Kumbier. We are tired of being embarrassed in our own backyard when it comes to American cruisers and we don’t want that company bragging about their superior performance anymore. Santa, save the gifts for the laid off 70 employees in India because I’m flying over when the pandemic ends to discuss Harley’s continuing restructuring of the region. It’s the largest motorcycle market and the exit was hastily announced. Lastly Santa, can you find that blogger at the 105th Anniversary trying to take a photo during our plant tour. We ran his butt right out the building before he was able to take pictures of the lunch room, but the Six Sigma manufacturing team learned later we’re missing a crankshaft bolt.
I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to the time when I can throw away my mask. Visiting all my family and sitting around the table sharing stories, eating good food and laughing together again. And of course, getting on the motorcycle and riding across the U.S. at pandemic-free events!
Thank you for your readership during this past year. Merry Christmas, happy holidays and best wishes to you and yours in 2021.
Photo courtesy of the author.
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